You know those people who say, “Stop saying you don’t have time, make time”? Those ***** have dishwashers. This demographic also tilt their heads and say, "You can’t pour from an empty cup." The problem being that if I make time to fill my cup, I have no time to wash up,* therefore I have … Continue reading Dishwasher Bastards: true inspirational quotes

As a person, I was always aware that children behaved in annoying, often impolite and frequently appalling ways. As a parent, I was sure that my implicit boundary setting and impeccable behaviour modelling would ensure my own child was born with a kind of inbuilt anti-twat mechanism. Now let me make it clear from the get … Continue reading Sticker Charts

Bell’s Palsy: Day 7 Husband at work, child at Yay’s.  (Child) comes back all sassy, jumps in neighbour’s paddling pool, remembers to get out for a pee (!!!!!) and we both have Skype chat with Uncle Ro while she basks in the murky, fly filled water. Great chat with Ro - filters helped facilitate conversational … Continue reading Bell’s Palsy Diary: Part 3 of 3

Bell’s Palsy: Day 3 Landlord’s wife: “Don’t worry about it or it’ll get worse! You’ve got a lovely figure so no one will notice your face." Colleague laughed - I would have. Students laughed - I would have. The karmic kickback of having been a relentlessly piss-taking arsehole throughout my adolescence hitting me square in … Continue reading Bell’s Palsy Diary: Part 2 of 3

Bell’s Palsy: Zero Hour For 4 days I'd had a numb sensation in my tongue which I’d attributed to being run down (publicly, that is - of course internally I was sure I was dying of head cancer / my tongue was going to be amputated and I would never speak again), along with an … Continue reading Bell’s Palsy Diary: Part 1 of 3

I hope you don’t mind me addressing what is essentially an idea as though you’re a person, but I’ve seen so much of you on Instagram that I feel like I know you. Despite being a concept, you seem to have fallen into the typical social media trap of self-presentation as something much more glamorous, … Continue reading Oh fuck off, Baby Led Weaning

  Dear People with Twat Dads, I love this photo of me and my husband 6 months ago today, in our tiny courtyard garden during the prosecco and spring rolls post-marriage ceremony reception for about 20 people, which we insanely thought it was a good idea to host in our impossibly small house. There is … Continue reading An Open Letter to People with Twat Dads