You know those people who say, “Stop saying you don’t have time, make time”? Those ***** have dishwashers. This demographic also tilt their heads and say, "You can’t pour from an empty cup." The problem being that if I make time to fill my cup, I have no time to wash up,* therefore I have … Continue reading Dishwasher Bastards: true inspirational quotes
As a person, I was always aware that children behaved in annoying, often impolite and frequently appalling ways. As a parent, I was sure that my implicit boundary setting and impeccable behaviour modelling would ensure my own child was born with a kind of inbuilt anti-twat mechanism. Now let me make it clear from the get … Continue reading Sticker Charts
Bell’s Palsy: Day 7 Husband at work, child at Yay’s. (Child) comes back all sassy, jumps in neighbour’s paddling pool, remembers to get out for a pee (!!!!!) and we both have Skype chat with Uncle Ro while she basks in the murky, fly filled water. Great chat with Ro - filters helped facilitate conversational … Continue reading Bell’s Palsy Diary: Part 3 of 3
Bell’s Palsy: Day 3 Landlord’s wife: “Don’t worry about it or it’ll get worse! You’ve got a lovely figure so no one will notice your face." Colleague laughed - I would have. Students laughed - I would have. The karmic kickback of having been a relentlessly piss-taking arsehole throughout my adolescence hitting me square in … Continue reading Bell’s Palsy Diary: Part 2 of 3
Bell’s Palsy: Zero Hour For 4 days I'd had a numb sensation in my tongue which I’d attributed to being run down (publicly, that is - of course internally I was sure I was dying of head cancer / my tongue was going to be amputated and I would never speak again), along with an … Continue reading Bell’s Palsy Diary: Part 1 of 3
I hope you don’t mind me addressing what is essentially an idea as though you’re a person, but I’ve seen so much of you on Instagram that I feel like I know you. Despite being a concept, you seem to have fallen into the typical social media trap of self-presentation as something much more glamorous, … Continue reading Oh fuck off, Baby Led Weaning
Dear People with Twat Dads, I love this photo of me and my husband 6 months ago today, in our tiny courtyard garden during the prosecco and spring rolls post-marriage ceremony reception for about 20 people, which we insanely thought it was a good idea to host in our impossibly small house. There is … Continue reading An Open Letter to People with Twat Dads
My unforeseen success with An Open Letter to Flop has totally fucked me over. I've been unable to write anything since and instead I simply read the entire internet. There are a lot of really boring bastards out there. In lieu of actually writing anything new, I'm attempting to get the ball rolling by simply posting this … Continue reading Kids and drugs
It’s possible that baby group was destined to fail to live up to my unrealistically high expectations, which can be best summarised as: Freshers Week. I assumed I’d meet my Best Mum Friend For Life within seconds of walking in and we’d dye our hair some totally mad colour, do six Jaeger Bombs and the … Continue reading Why Baby Group is Shit
This is not the LOL festival the letter to Flop was. It's an expression of the powerlessness and exasperation I feel in the face of UK immigration law which in this instance didn't allow me to have my partner with me while my Dad was dying. That’s right, move over Flop, Theresa May has ruined my … Continue reading Fucking immigrants.
they ruin your life 